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Corina is a good friend of mine who is really cool. She wrote these "diaries" which are supposed to be the "secret" diaries of Michael Nesmith, of the Monkees. Meaning, Michael the character on TV. Ironically, this is *exactly* what Kaity and I were talking about, isn't Kaity? ;) Weird. Well, this is all fictitious, but it's funny how profound and in depth with Mike's character these really are. She based on them what it would be like if Michael wrote diaries through out the Monkees episodes [meaning Mike Nesmith Monkee Mike, not the actor Mike, but Mike living in the episodes, as if they aren't episodes... I know, it's hard for me to grasp too]. I loved them so much I asked Corina if I could put them on my page, with her credit, and she said yes. So, here they are. The funny, dead-pan thoughts of Monkee Mike. Read.
Monkees At The Circus Day One Well, no one told me but we were going to the circus today. Damn Davy and all of his ideas. Lets go to the circus Mike because its there! Whatever shuts up the Beatle wanna be! And of course we get there and its CLOSED! I was ready to leave, not fond of this anyway! Blaming Davy on this one. Not MY idea at all. And then Peter said that we should sneak in. Had to correct his English. Said snick instead of sneak. Starting to feel that Peter is in fact REALLY that dumb. Davy had knives thrown at him by some fella. Micky wouldn't shut up. So I decided that we should leave until Peter wanted to hear what the surly, knife-throwing maniac was saying. Of course, Davy fell for a brunette. Had a nice body and kinda looks like my type. Micky won't stop singing some stupid theme song from some kid's show. Must hide the bottle of vitamins from Micky. Had to lie to pretty girl and the rest about our occupations. So we wouldn't be mobbed or arrested, menial reasons like that. Brunette needs to stop looking like she is going to cry. Peter's fantasy had ME in a lion's outfit. Hot in there. I made Micky go through the hoop. Laughed to long about that. Got strange looks from the others. Noticing Davy's bad idea about us being circus people was really a bad idea. Thinking that me giving us a name as Mozzerella was a bad idea too. Won't be able to eat anything Italian for weeks. Starting to find pretty about-to-cry girl attractive. Davy's girl, she is Davy's girl! Day Two Why not start the day off with Peter saying dumb things. Too many dumb things and got the strong man upset. He tied Pete to the hi-wire post. Had the thought of just leaving him there but we wouldn't have a bassist and I'd be stuck with the English Muffin and Mr. Hum-a-dumb-theme-song. Untied Peter. Revealed that we aren't circus people and the knife throwing maniac was eavesdropping. Thought it'd be a good idea to SPLIT since EVERYONE had their hopes on us and we can't even throw a ball, let alone silver hoops on unicycles. Butt still hurts from even trying. But no, the about-to-cry girl, Susan, had to cry. Davy felt bad and I started to too. Played some music. Winked at Susan, she didn't notice. Damn Davy. Clowns. We dressed up as CLOWNS. Micky couldn't stop staring at the old chick in a much too short dress. Got to sit next to Susan. She asked for my number. I told her 4. Looked at me strange. Peter couldn't stop laughing. She asked for his number and he pointed at Davy. Looked at him strange, than started laughing. Damn Peter, always being dumb. Davy's spotlight fixation took over again. Dressed up as the stubborn knife throwing maniac and stole the show. Knife throwing maniac came out and took over. Davy mad about that. Susan relieved since she was the knifee (don't know if that's the correct term but who cares). Wondered why Peter was in a shiny, red, shirt. Didn't matter. The ring-master dude told us we were performing. Would have loved to know that previously. Ran to get instruments but left Pete's bass at home. He had a keyboard with him though. Don't wanna know why he had it with him. Or why he had it underneath the backseats. Good thing they are adjustable. Loss of concentration since Susan was in very short black dress/costume thingy. Played G instead of F. No one noticed. All eyes on Davy and the damn bright tambourine. Thinking of jumping Davy and tying him to the hi-wire post. But then I'd be stuck with Drummer boy and Sir dumb a lot. Of course, DAVY gets the girl and a big, golden key. I got a slobber-covered knife! Micky got a lot of things from the old chick. And a new unicycle. Must think of plan to steal unicycle. Had to laugh at Pete's gift. Sucks to be him cause he can't pick up the barbells the strong man gave him. HAHAHAHA. We finally went home. Day Three Still no call from Susan. Stupid Davy, Stupid Hat, Stupid Circus.
Everywhere a Sheik, Sheik Day One Bored, bored, BORED. Nothing to say. No one has called. Had Anger Management class...got to punch things. Andy, the director, told me to try to get along with my roommates. Well, living with them for a year, I guess I kinda have to. Whatever.... In other news, Davy hasn't had a date in nearly four weeks. New record for the little Beatle-wanna be. I..I mean, fellow. English fellow. And in even more other news, I got a groovy leather/suede fringe shirt. Girls say I'm cute now. I'm glad that I have their approval...sure. Day Two Knew IT! I just knew it wasn't going to be a normal day. Well, its not every day we have some guy in a turban and another guy with bulging muscles come by, plus Micky was wearing really strange sunglasses. Made him look like a bug. Scared the bulging muscle dude. Pretty amusing really. And of course, they were after Davy. They meaning the turban fella and mr. Burly man. Put Dave on a scale and weighed him with gold bars. Wondered what his weight in gold was anyway...now I know. And of course they kidnapped Davy. Put him in a sack and handed me an invitation. As I figured, he was in trouble. Getting married without he knowing itÉyeah that's a big problem usually. Whatever, finally got rid of him. Had big party but no one to make fun of. Lost all the fans, even the ones who liked ME! Day Three Decided to rescue Davy. Thought we would take the direct approach, tell the guard who we were because we thought Davy would be expecting us. Nope,didn't work. Got pushed away. I guess, Micky being first and us following really close wasn't a good idea. Micky was obviously not cute enough to distract the guard. Why Pete thought that would work....no idea! AND the dumb guardsman thought we were a 3 headed monster....sure, like I'd be sharing a body with those two. AnyWAY, Micky, yes, good old BRILLIANT planning Micky, decided that we dress up as people looking for a bomb. I dressed up as a general, Pete dressed up as a scientist (am gonna laugh about THAT for days) and Micky was a corporal. I got to carry a SWORD and wear a cool feathery type huge hat! Where Micky found a sword, I don't know. Probably in the shed. Must remember to clean out shed. Well, we used the plan and Micky kept making my hat fall off. Damn Micky always gets too close when he acts. Waves his arms around and cares nothing about....breathe in, breathe out. Think good thoughts. Today, Anger Management class was doing wonders. Didn't despise Davy when I opened the door. Got stuck in door. Darn sword! Laughed at Davy because he was wearing a turban and an insipid yellow curtain-type/dress thingy and really baggy pants. Think I'm gonna keep big feathery hat. Met the king hassar-ya-doine, well the guy who had Davy kidnapped. I was actually interested in what was in store for Davy if he gets married to the princess. Showed us a gold palace with 700 bedrooms (that interested Micky....I don't know why either). Not convinced at all. Than we (Us, Micky, Pete and I) were promised titles to run the country. Hey, its enough I'm a musician (and talk about pressure) now appointed some other responsibilities....not my idea of fun (as micky would say). Still wanted to leave until, UNTIL, we were each given our choice of a dozen wives. Hey now! Liking this a lot. Way good idea. Maybe one of them will think I'm cute. I got to pick first! Go ME! Picked my dozen wives but this natural blonde kept following me around. So I took her as well. It got ugly after Peter picked his dozen wives. The remaining girls (and some of mine and Pete's) got into a huge cat-fight over who got to be Micky's first wife. Natural blonde just stared at me and smiled. Had a nice smile. Damn Micky! Anger management class now has a new topic.... Day Four Wouldn't you know it? I wake up and all 12 girls had left me...cept for the natural blonde. Got appointed by Davy as Secretary of State. Go ME! Micky got to be Secretary of Defense. He told a stupid joke but made Peter laugh. Though saying "Pizza" out of nowhere would make Peter laugh. Poor Peter. He got the short end of the stick. Director of Forests...in a DESERT!HAHAHHAHAHA! Natural blonde's name is Ann. Really sweet....ummm, sure. I'm not quite sure if she likes me for me or my hair. Caught her today trying to imitate my bangs look. Thought highly of myself then! Went about my "duties" as Secretary of State. Should've been the Secretary of Treasurer...get to sign money and stuff. No such luck. As I was typing a peace treaty, I lost all kinds of concentration because of natural blonde...Ann. Told me that I had nice ears! I knew it! I knew it! And I thought she liked me for me! Whatever, got the back of my head massaged anyway. Sure. I ask for a paperweight and I get a cement block. What the hell?! Ann then said I was too dangerous to hang out with. Laughed much to long about that statement but got mad. Went to room. Took it out on a pic of Davy's head...I mean, the Dartboard....yeah. Met up with the guys...strange stuff happened to them too. I decided to leave. I didn't mean the others but hey, they wanna leave too, fine by me. Micky kept saying how he's gonna miss Shelly...k...whatever...I don't care.I come up with a plan to escape and Mr. Secretary of Defense says that we don't need a plan to get by the guardsman. Kept quiet and watched the fun. Micky tried to knock the Abdul guy out with a lamp. . YEAH! The guy has a head as hard as a rock! Sure THAT would have worked.Never got to use that plan. The King came and collected Davy for the banquet. Damn King! Damn Davy! Slowly breathing in and out. Nice quiet thoughts. later Nice banquet. Yak tail and pelican livers....had better. But didn't die. There's a plus! Got to use cool Grecian goblets. Shows how important we were. YEAH, WE'RE COOL AND IN CHARGE! Peter babbled some tongue-twister or a song or something in my ear. Can't listen to him anymore....making my head hurt. And as if Peter wasn't making sense, the King kept babbling about Davy. Thinking I could have stayed home or have gone on tour if I wanted to hear inane babbling about Davy. Held in my aggressions. The King babbled about how Davy's blessed and this stuff and something or `nother. Couldn't understand him after a while, so asked Micky what he was stealing from the hotel and the banquet. He just smiled and than said Shelly.Pete got bored, stood up, threw his glass across the room. Ok, that wasn't really the case...HAHA! We were about to clink glasses with each other. Pete lost control and it fell out of his hand. Dumb Peter! The glass blew up though! Thought that was interesting because I hit walls when I blow up....but I digress. Found out that this advisor, Vidaru, weird guy with half a beard was trying to kill us. Like we couldn't tell that he was evil when he has half a beard. Anyways, we also found out that Vidaru was really from INID, OKLAHOMA! Ya think ya know a guy! Well, we ended up fighting with Vidaru and his henchmen. Hotel staff and the king's loyal people...totally useless. And why is it when we get into a fight (I got to use cool sword) does music play? Really beginning to freak me out. Ah, at least it was one of my songs! During battle, got to make out with some brunette. Slipped me her number...or so I thought it was for me. It was for MICKY. Went after Micky with butter knife but got involved in a scuffle with one of Vidaru's henchmen. We WON! But I cut my thumb....thinking of things that happened next. OH!Micky, Peter and I met that princess Collette, finally. She's really a desperate girl, has this marriage fixation. Davy didn't want to marry her but she was ok with that. She fell out of love with Davy. Typical! So I thought it was my turn....but NO! She liked Peter...guess she likes the dumb ones. I don't know. HA! Wait until she has to untie him from a hi-wire post...it ain't easy honey...it ain't easy! Well, we talked her out of marrying Peter and we were set free! Thank goodness. Had to go to a gig and play "Cuddly Toy". Blonde girl got to dance with Davy. While Mick, Pete and I were the three stooges. Sure, why not! After that we got interviewed, Micky couldn't stop giggling. I was tired and out of it and couldn't wait to get home.
Hillbilly Honeymoon Day One WE GOT LOST! Dammit Micky, its his fault! We got lost on our way to meet a keyboardist. Peter mumbled about how he could play the keyboard. Tuned him out and didn't really listen to him. Found ourselves in Swineville. Never letting Micky navigate again. Now he's sporting this dumb look, curly hair all over his head, looks like a small animal died on top of his scalp. Must remember to not take the vehicle off road. Still trying to get rid of Davy. Told him to follow the hillbilly white line. And what happens? He gets involved with another girl. Should tell them how he has 7 others back home. Must think of another plan to get rid of Davy. Dirty town, dirty people. Hate explaining who we are. Of course, everyone has to be interested in DAVY. Hopped in car with Peter to avoid getting shot. Told him these were my people, just to scare him. HAHA! Hope they don't hit the car. Just re-painted it from Peter's accident. Got all annoyed cause pretty blonde girl kissed Micky and her jealous boyfriend took Davy away. Hate being sullen, hate Hating. Trying to think of way to get rid of Micky, now that Davy's gone. Pretty blonde girl interested in me. At least she thinks I'm cute. Of course, ugly backward dude let Micky go. Decided to go with him after blonde girl hit on me. Noticed she was way too young. Micky still trying to get rid of Peter. We almost took off without Peter and Davy. But Micky remembered Davy owed him some money. Still trying to get rid of Micky. Mugged some hillbillies, stole their clothes and their pig, to save Davy. Learned a new talent, how to play my nose! Two words there: RIGHT ON! It impressed the hillbillies who held Davy captive. Micky says that I look cute looking dumb and dirty. Remembered to not stand too close to Micky. Had some fun playing a washboard and roaming around with dumb, dirty hillbillies. Which BOTHERS me. Thinking that trying to smoke a corn cob was not a good idea. Wanting to keep Davy in the bag and getting rid of Micky and keeping the pig. Damn. Ground up sour mash wasn't Davy. Thought the three of us could ditch Peter and go home. But than we wouldn't have a bassist and I'd have to live with Beatle-wanna be and crazy, furryfellow who has to be funny all the time. Saved Peter. But then we had to stop Davy from marrying the jail-bait. This is getting tedious. Went back to fun hillbillies. Tried to teach the young one, Judd,some manners. With the help of Peter. 5 hours later
Set free, now have a hangover from reception. Let Micky drive. Must stop missing anger management classes.
Monkee Mayor Day One We actually get to eat dinner tonight! Damn rubber gloves, can never get them on straight. Weird thing though, before we even started eating, our neighbors kept comin in , taking their stuff. Oh , nothing important, just the dining room table and chairs, and the dishes, including the silverware. I hate not knowing what’s going on. Turned out that everyone had been evicted so their homes can be knocked down and turned into parking lots. That didn’t seem right. In fact, I KNOW it violates zoning regulations. Good thing I took a course in Law and Politics before taking Anger Management course. Day Two Decided to talk to the mayor. Pretty blonde receptionist at desk. Even though I was mad and angry, I decided to keep cool and put on that Texan charm. Well, to be nice about it anyway. Gave myself a title (just to sound important) Mike Nesmith: Private Citizen. Asked very politely to see the mayor, blonde showed me a door marked “Complaints”. Said thank you and proceeded through door. Door led me outside. Went back in and tried again. Forcefully said that I’d like to speak with the mayor. She showed me to a different door. YEAH! It was fake... And I got hit over the head. Asked myself if this was really important. Yeah, it was. Really angry by this time started fuming to the receptionist until the mayor Mottley came out. Scared the living crap out of me. Started to explain that there were a lot of innocent people being thrown out of their homes, so the city can build parking lots. What I got in return of my complaint was a history lesson and he not saying my last name right. Then he told me that throwing people out of their homes was the American way. Politicians are strange….really strange. Came home, explained what happened and found our neighbors were staying with us. That’s great…..really wonderful. Wish someone informed me about this. Davy said that he said that they could stay with us for awhile. Damn Davy…always being so nice. That’s why he gets stepped all over. Oh well, I have more important things to worry about. As long as they don’t get in the way, I guess its alright. Day Three Couldn't sleep all too well. Mrs. Filchak was doing laundry all night, her laundry, Mrs. Hoener's laundry, Mr. Filchak's laundry and ours! Got the clothes clean but annoyed that she had to do it last night and where did we get the washing machine is my next question. Hmmm, well, whatever. Decided that we gotta do something about this parking lot thing. One, because we can’t have a dictatorial government running the city. Two, the opinions of an individual citizen has a right to be heard and thirdly, we have to get rid of these people living in our house! But not like we had lives to begin with, but it is nice sometimes to say I'm gonna work on the car, and just go work on the car, without someone saying oh you’re going to the car? Could you pick up a can of olives for me? Note to self, never getting married. I didn't know how though, how to get everything taken care of. Micky had an idea. Go him, cause I was fresh all out. While I was thinking over things, I hear the words mike, perfect and hat and somehow I was talked into running for mayor! ME?! Well, I guess it would be cool. People actually paying attention to me and, and maybe I'll get this city to run properly. Micky said that he’d be my campaign manager and the rest of the guys would help me too. That’s cool of them, I guess. Well, yeah, it is. Man, are the people at Anger Management gonna be please with my attitude. Yet, this wasn't my idea and its all about me! Somehow, when the situations are about me, I have no knowledge of what's going on. Day Four Campaign Day! Weird day too. Busy, busy, busy! Had to see what kind of image I needed to have... after about an hour dressing up as George Washington, Abe Lincoln and Herbert Hoover, we decided my own image is the one I should have stayed with. Sort of like the ice cream flavors and the kid picks vanilla. Everyone noticing how mellow and nice I'm being. We got everything together and Micky was saying our roles. He, being the candidate’s campaign manager, me being the candidate, Davy being the aid to the campaign and Peter being the campy aid. About to launch campaign, Pete (as usual) got confused and tried to hit me on the head with a champagne bottle. Like he was launching a ship. Actually re-named me the SS Mike Nesmith. He was determined to hit me on the head. Thanks to Davy and Micky, we launched it by jumping up and down. Ran around the city politicking. I guess that’s what we did. I got to ride around a float that the guys pulled around with posters of me all around it. People looked at us like there wasn’t even an election going on and Mike's band is just goofing off again. Got irritated until Micky started walking with a pretty brunette and slapped a poster of me on her behind. Then people started to notice that I was running for mayor. So, I got to do a lot of cool things like Shaking peoples' hands. Hand still hurts from this tall strong guy shaking it too hard. Oh! I judge a beauty contest. Two brunettes and a blonde. Really couldn't judge it too well since they were all very pretty. Decided to pick blonde, patted her on the head, and then the brunettes attacked me! Hit me over the head and stuff. Did I really deserve that? No! I mean, they could have at least pushed me in the pool. I WAS hot outside anyway. Besides, they shouldn't be so scornful, its just a beauty contest... women scare me now. Just kidding, but they were sore losers. Wouldn’t want them on a team. While shaking hands with various people, I noticed some money missing and one of my three watches. Why wear three watches? Just in case one gets stolen. Damn people! Don’t they know that I’m on their side?! Well, whatever. Peter and Davy did a skit-like-thing. Davy pretended that he was being robbed by Peter, I jumped in and 'saved the day', talked to them both and resolved the situation. Crowd formed as we were doing this. And they applauded me, wanting to shake my hand and all. Or so I thought. Turned out that I was being held up by all of them! Told them that I was a musician and I don't HAVE any money. They understood but one lady wanted my hat. Showed her that it was the one with the white buttons on it and she lost interest. HA! Tried to kiss a baby, cause politicians are strange like that, but it turned out it was a small old man in a baby costume. Must have been going to a masquerade party. He slapped me! ME! Weird day, like I said! After a day out and about and getting beaten up and politicking, yeah, we came home and someone ransacked the place. Davy thought it was the maid. Micky said it wasn’t the cleaning lady. Poor neighbor people, Mrs. Filchak and the rest! Peter, yes, Peter, observed that it was political sabatooge. Go PETE! We decided that we should investigate. Later Went into mayor's office. No one was there at 3 in the afternoon. No big surprise. We found some incriminating evidence. A whole file dedicated to a plan to turn the whole city into parking lots. I despise evil people! Took pictures of the plans and then put them back into the filing cabinet. About to leave but heard someone coming. So we hid in a closet with a real skeleton in it. Morbid. REAL morbid. Like I said, politicians are strange people! Got out of there pretty inconspicuous like but we left the camera there! Found out that the mayor is a wimp and this dude named Zeckenbush is behind this. Later still Had Anger Management class tonight. Andy and the rest said that they don't vote cause it adds to much stress. They told me I mellowed out too much, way too much. Kinda fell asleep during it! Day Five We were all ready to see what evidence we collected and Peter’s stupidity strikes again. Stupid Peter! He took a picture of the filing cabinet. Said that he was the photography and he could take pictures of what he wanted. Sure, why not get all hoity-toity with me! I was actually cordial and nice this week. We left him in the dark room( didn’t know we had a dark room but I guess that goes with the washing machine)! Forgave him later since he said he was sorry. One day until election, and we have nothing. No evidence, no money... nothing. One word to say: CRAP! Later Cool thing happened. People sent us checks for like hundreds and thousands of dollars to back my campaign. Very happy now, since we are back on top! Spent the money on advertising, well, Pete, Mick and Davy did. I was helping out here and writing the speech that I'm gonna say on TV tonight. Peter all excited that I get to be on TV and get to wear make-up. Starting to wonder about Peter. I got advertised like I was Coca-cola. Skywriting and all! I hope the people will vote for me. Later on that evening BIG let-down! Found that Zeckenbush was the one who I go the money from, not directly. From people who work for him. Man, do Ifeel really powerless. How did I find this out? HE came over! No phone-call or anything! How rude! What is really unnerving is that he knew where I lived. And then had the audacity to say that I better withdrawal from the race. I didn’t have much choice there did I? Now, I ask you…did I ask for this? Even later
Got on TV and told the people what had happened and how I got the money for everything from an improper source. Told them how I felt, which was really the feeling of being had, that this really was a horrible thing to happen to nice laundry-obsessed people. Not in those exact words, but I don't think anyone wants to hear what I said, they probably didn’t even watch cause Batman was on at the same time. Later on, Mrs. Filchak told me that my withdrawal speech made her cry and touched everyone in the place's heart. To my surprise, the mayor came on in the middle of my speech and said that it will be taken care of, so in a way we did make a difference. The evil Mr. Zeckenbush was caught and put in jail. And our neighbors didn’t have to live with us anymore! And I didn’t have to leave the group! Am I glad that this ordeal is over! Day Six
Prospected election day but now it doesn’t matter. Everyone went home! And we had our life back…right on! Well, not for long. Someone smashed a wrecking ball through our ceiling. Went back to the Mayor’s office….needless to say, we had it removed. Micky mentioned something about he and Davy being able to fix the roof. Later We got a call from this guy who saw me on TV and remembered the band. He wanted us to do a gig, took it of course….had an hour of practice and then we went to the place. Played “Pleasant Valley Sunday”. Great rock and roll song. I love playing it. During the psycho-jello freak out part of it, Davy and Peter ran off the stage. Found them an hour later back at the pad. And I tell you what, I didn’t even want to know why they came back here and didn’t wait for us. I just went to bed. Man, am I glad that this week is over with!
More to come, keep checking back.
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