Love Letters To The Monkees... Normally things like this either make me sick, or break my heart, because the paralax between people who are trying to know someone famous, but not truly knowing them, really kills me. But in this case, it also cracks me up. Yes, people actually wrote this. I am so entertained. Christy put this on her site with her comments, and I found it SO amusing I really wanted to add my own comments to it along with hers. I asked her, and she said yes, so I have both mine and hers here. Christy unfortunately no longer has a site, but she's a really cool chick, so you guys better worship her too. Christy: "These are some nice, amusing and somewhat weird letters from fans published in the book Love Letters To The Monkees. I'll leave you to decide which are which." Sleepy Jean: "Nah, I'll tell you which ones are weird! ... Although I probably don't have to." Dear Monkees, I have some questions I would like you to answer. Would you please answer: Peter - are you married? Micky - do you have a lot of girlfriends? Mike - do you like tall girls or short girls? Davy - do you like girls or boys? Thank you for answering these questions. I am only ten but I never miss your program. Your friend, Jane Des Moines, Iowa Christy: "hahahahah 'davy, do you like girls or boys?' hahahah thats great." Sleepy Jean: "If you wrote to them collectively, would you really call them 'Monkees'...? Yeah, does Davy like girls or boys, that really cracks me up... I can just hear him say in a small, childlike voice, 'I like boys...' Who is giving these ten year olds pens, paper, stamps, and Monkees postal addresses is what I'd like to know..." Dear Davy Jones, I like your shows very much. I like all of your songs too. I like all your clothes and your hair. You are very very cute. You better come to Wichita or I'll smash you one. Love, Carol Wichita Christy: "Quite romantic, don't you think?" Sleepy Jean: "Funny she's from Wichita, maybe Mike should go there with him... Yes, very romantic about punching Davy, but I can't say I blame her, sometimes I want to punch him too..." Dear Peter, Hi! I'm one of your most faithful and devoted fans. I watch all of your shows and I just can't tell you how crazy about you I am. I would just love if you'd send me a lock of your hair or a part of a shirt that you wore or even a handkerchief that you sneezed in. I would be the envy of all my girlfriends, and I would really be able to show up my girlfriend Susie who says that you're not as cute as Micky. Your devoted fan, Jean San Francisco, Calif. Christy: "Anyone who asks for a snotty handkerchief oughta get it. Let's hope Peter sent her one." Sleepy Jean: "Funny, I don't think it would be all that hard to get his used tissues these days... You could get a lot more than that from him, and funny... none of my girlfriends are envious. Heh heh... Well, God, if I were Peter and some random fan I never heard of tried to impress me by saying I'm still not as cute as Micky... Yeah, that's real motivation to send that handkercheif." Dear Micky, I want to ask you something. Do you like hipsters, miniskirts, bell bottoms, flair bottoms, tall boots, go-go boots, long hair or short hair? I mean do you like them on girls? Please answer. Thanks and love, Eunice Woodmere N.Y. Sleepy Jean: "I like the 'do you like them on girls' comment..." Dear Micky, You are one of the older members of the Monkees, so I feel that I can write to you in a fairly mature way. I don't want you to think that I'm just another wild, screaming teenager throwing herself at you. I just want to say that you and your group are a really fine bunch of performers. But when I go to a show or a concert, I like to hear a group sing, not some bunch of crazy screaming girls. And when you're on television, I never miss your show because it makes me happy, and I especially love to watch you, but I don't break out in hysterics or go around sobbing for you. Just one thing, Micky, please don't let them take the Monkees off the air, because if they do I think I'll just kill myself. Sincerely, Elinore Flagstaff, Arizona Christy: "Ok, this girl really is throwing herself at Micky and she's also one of those crazy screaming girls you see at concerts, she's just neurotic and is in denial. But I do hope she was only bluffing about the suicide thing, seems Micky didn't come through for her on this one. Pity." Sleepy Jean: "What? You don't think he went running to her door the moment he read this letter? Seriously... 'you're one of the older members of the Monkees', like the age difference between them were the least bit significant, like there were so many members to compare Micky to, and like she was going to impress him but the 'mature' comment... Of course, karmically Micky's the oldest." Dear Davy, Happy New Year! What's you New Year's resolution? I hope it's to cut your hair. You look like a hunchback or something with your hair so long. You look like your being swallowed up alive! I hope you're not mad at my criticizing, but a lot of my friends think so too. I know I'll never hear from you, but I want to ask you two questions anyway. First: when do you plan to get married? In other words, what age? Second: how high would the girl have to be? I don't mean she would have to be drunk to marry you, what I mean is how tall? I think I'd faint if you ever wrote back, but I hope you do anyway. Thanks and good lovin' Cecile Larchmont, N.Y. Christy: "Well, she's a sassy one, isn't she? I believe Davy has been insulted here." Sleepy Jean: "This one CRACKED ME UP... Yeah, people really sent this stuff in. It's this kind of love/hate fanship that I bet freaks the Monkees out... Thank God they're just letters. Scary, I think Larchmont is near me, and even someplace I've driven through. Do you think she's still there? I like the comment about Davy's wife needing to be high though. Heh heh." Dear Davy, Here are some of the words I think of when I think of you. Romantic, lovable, divine, adorable, fun loving, charming, marvelous sense of humor, beautiful eyes, cute, beautiful, short but nice, irresistible, handsome smile, kind, generous, sweet, gentle, and nice teeth. I think we have a lot in common. You hate early mornings and love girls, girls, girls, and I like boys, boys, boys. But mainly you. Honest. All my luv, Ellen Houston, TX Christy: "And here are a few words that I think of when I read this letter. Nauseating, gag, vomit, and shiny toliet." Sleepy Jean: "The innocent, sincere, shallowness of this really fills me with a sense of... nothing. It's very zen. You should try it." Hi-ho Monkees, I'm just another jerk, no more than twelve, writing to you just to see what results I get. Truthfully, I think only two of you (Micky and Peter) are Monkees. Davy Jones looks like a chimpanzee to me, and Mike Nesmith is definitely an orangutan. Just another fan, Roberta Fort Worth, Texas P.S. Consider yourself pretty lucky. I don't even write to my best friend. Christy: "Hmm, could that possibly be because you DON'T have any friends, Roberta? Hopefully the only results she got from that letter was a big ol' 'piss off!'... thank you." Sleepy Jean: "Yes, she did write 'hi-ho Monkees'... yes, she did... You have to imagine that the combined IQ of like 89% of the fans writing to the Monkees is still lower than cauliflower. I don't think the Monkees are pissed off. I think they're amazed at the vast sheer combination of both shallowness and stupidity, and Micky is thinking of starting an ethnographic study on it." Dear Mike, Is it true that you have a baby? And a wife? Is it a boy or a girl? I mean the baby, not the wife (haha!). It's nice to see that the Monkees have one nice, mature, family man in the group. Love to all, Cindi Cleveland, Ohio Christy: "A nice fan?? Yay for the nice fan." Sleepy Jean: "I'm all for Mike support. And supporting him having babies, especially with people like me." Dear Monkees, Every Monday I used to watch Iron Horse until I heard about The Monkees, and now I like your show so much I never watch anything else. Could you please send me a photo of all four of you with you autographs on it? Actually, I like one of you much more than the rest, but if I ask for his photo seperately I might hurt the rest of your feelings. I can give you hint though. My favorite one is the cutest. If you figure out which he is, please send me his photograph separate, and I hope you all don't feel too bad. A devoted fan, Linda Portland, ME Christy: "Gee whiz, just ask Davy for his autograph. You wont be breaking any hearts, plus Davy REALLY needs a bigger ego. And no, I don't think Davy is the cutest, but only a Davy fan would ask like that." Sleepy Jean: "Unfortunately I also believed she was referring to Davy... But, on the other hand, maybe she's making no real referrence, but just seeing if they'll fight about it. Heh heh, I would do that. If a Monkee asked me which one was my favorite, I would say, 'The one who can please me the most, let's wait and see...' But I'm kind of on the daring side with my comments to Monkees. If you couldn't tell." Dear Micky, You guys are really fabulous, everyone says so. But remember that the most part of your fame is your personality. Never loose or forget that. I care more about a good personality than beauty. If you have a good personality it makes up for what you may lack physically. So don't worry. Love, Dina Gloversville, NY P.S. Is it true that if you weren't a singer you would like to be a roll of scotch tape? Christy: "Of course it's true that he'd like to be roll of scotch tape, everyone want's to be a roll of scotch tape! What a silly question. And is she trying to say that Micky isn't beautiful? How rude." Sleepy Jean: "This was FUNNY!!!!!! Is Micky's appearance so bad to people???!! GOD. I can so see Micky as a roll of scotch tape. Also very zen." Dear Peter, How are you, babes? (Did you really thing I was going to say I love you and all that gush? Tsk-tsk.) I hope you don't make your first million before I get to Hollywood. I think your show is just fab, but the writers don't give you big enough parts. And you always play the dumb one. I think you need a good public relations man to improve your image. It just so happens that my father is in the business, and I'll see if he can do anything for you. Let's get movin' Peter. I know all your fans love you like crazy, but how many call you person to person from Boston? My girlfriend and I did, but the operator said she wasn't allowed to connect us. Now you see what kind of fans we are. Well, that's about all for now. You can keep this letter, so if I become famous you will have my autograph. Love, more or less, Mardy Boston Christy: "You can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes right now." Sleepy Jean: "Wow, that's... genuinely kind of scary. I like references to Peter's 'parts' though, and their being big enough... They're big enough for me... ;) Heh heh. I'm so glad I'm not a Monkees fan. No, seriously, I'm in the subdivided category of absolutely beyond anyone's comprehension..." Back to The Ultimate Monkees Love Page